求高人帮我点评一下我这篇雅思作文啊我感觉自己存在很多问题,请-查字典问答网

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　　求高人帮我点评一下我这篇雅思作文啊我感觉自己存在很多问题,请大神帮我看看,我的语法有没有问题,自己写的从句有没有问题,词汇用法有错误么.该删去些什么该添加什么.还有我的段落怎

　　求高人帮我点评一下我这篇雅思作文啊

　　我感觉自己存在很多问题,请大神帮我看看,我的语法有没有问题,自己写的从句有没有问题,词汇用法有错误么.该删去些什么该添加什么.还有我的段落怎么样,是不是有点头重脚轻..请仔细说出我的不足,该怎么改正

　　Inthecontemporarysociety,withtherapidincreaseofsciencetechnologyandtheadvancementofhumanbeing`slivingstandardthatagreatnumberofhi-techshaveinventedwhichcausedthechildrencanplaywiththemratherthandothehousework,somanyparentswanttheirchildrentodosomethingattheexpenseofmoney.Whenitcomestothisissueothersholdtheopinionthatdotheworkwithoutpayingasavaluableworkexperiencecanenhancetheirresponsibility.Asforme,Istronglysidewiththeformeronewhichcankeepthechildrenknowthatworkingisthekeytosuccess.

　　Manyexampleshaveprovedthatahostofsuccessfulbusinessmenwhentheywereyoung,theyhaddonemoreorlessjobsformoney,afterthat,theybecamemoreenterprisingindustriousandambitious,forthesefactorsfacilitatedtheiraccomplishmentsinthefulture.Therefore,insomecountriesparentsencouragedtheirchildrentoearnmoneywhentheywereevenyoung.Anotherreason,theyoungguyshavestrongcuriousnesscontributetothatitisnoteasytoestablishtheirresponsibility.Nevertheless,motivatingthemtoworkissurelyanexcellentchoice.

　　Somewhatimportantly,duringtheearningperiod,theycanalsogetthevaluableworkexperienceandtheresponsibility,inotherwords,thedifferencebetweenpayingworkandunpayingworkisthe“initiative”,andthechildrenwillbemoreinitiativetoworkwhichcouldgivethembenefits,whiletheinitiativecanabsolutelycausetheforce.Insummary,donotonlybelievethattheexperienceandresponsibilityarealwaysthefirst,towardthissituation,wemaychangeourmethodsoftenbeusedbefore,toletthechildrenthemselvesrealizedthehappinessandachievementfromtheirhardworking.

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2020-02-1901:12

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　　你似乎重问这度题,我已在你前一度答了你,但还是在这儿再答多一次你.

　　Inthecontemporarysociety,withtherapidincreaseofsciencetechnologyandtheadvancementofhumanbeing`slivingstandardthatagreatnumberofhi-techshave(要加been)invented(,which之前一定要加一个逗号)which(caused改为arecausing)thechildren(can改为to)playwiththemratherthando(the改为thier)housework(,so句子已完整,用句号,新句子开头,so要大写So要大写.So)manyparentswanttheirchildrentodosomethingattheexpenseofmoney.Whenitcomestothisissue(加,which)othersholdtheopinionthatdotheworkwithoutpayingasavaluableworkexperiencecanenhancetheirresponsibility.Asforme,Istronglysidewiththeformeronewhichcan(keep改为let)thechildrenknowthatworkingisthekeytosuccess.

　　Manyexampleshaveprovedthatahostofsuccessfulbusinessmen(whentheywereyoung,theyhaddonemoreorlessjobsformoney这段要掉转来写而且要去掉第二个they:haddonemoreorlessjobsformoneywhentheywereyoung.)after(After)that,theybecamemoreenterprisingindustriousandambitious,forthesefactorsfacilitatedtheiraccomplishmentsinthefulture.Therefore,insomecountries(,)parentsencouragedtheirchildrentoearnmoneywhentheywere(去掉even或改为very)young.Anotherreason,(theyoungguys改为youngpeople)havestrong(curiousness好奇心是:curiosity,which)contribute(s)tothatitisnoteasytoestablishtheirresponsibilit(y)(ies).Nevertheless,motivatingthemtoworkissurelyanexcellentchoice.

　　Somewhatimportantly,duringtheearningperiod,theycanalsogetthevaluableworkexperienceand(加understandabout)theresponsibilit(y)(ies),inotherwords,thedifferencebetweenpayingworkandunpayingworkisthe“initiative”,andthechildrenwillbemoreinitiativetoworkwhichcouldgivethembenefits,whiletheinitiativecanabsolutelycausethe(force改为effectsofmotivation).

　　Insummary,donotonlybelievethattheexperienceandresponsibilityarealwaysthefirst,toward(s)thissituation,wemaychangeourmethodsoften(be改为,whichhavebeen)usedbefore,toletthechildrenthemselvesrealizedthehappinessandachievementfromtheirhardworking.

　　文章结构甚好,很有内容,我已替你依次序更正好了一些小错,希望会对你有帮助,并祝你学业进步!